'Friday Funny' or 'Titter on Twitter'

Sometimes in life we just need cheered up and the Friday Funny or Titter on twitter will hopefully put a smile on your face as they have with me

Follow me on twitter http://twitter.com/#!/ArrowSales

Animals

Attention animal lovers, what you are doing is illegal

Headache

My son keeps complaining of headaches in the morning. I keep telling him that it is feet first when he gets out of bed

Funnybone

Fell over last month and cut my elbow right on the funnybone. I have been in stitches for weeks

Face

My wife left me beacuse of my obsession with The Monkees I thought she was joking ..... And then I saw her face

Gift

I remember leaving home many years ago. My Dad gave me a going away gift. It was a comb. He said "Call it a parting gift"

Shorts

Grand National theme - Its the last time I wear jockey shorts. They have been riding up my arse all day

Oxo

Bumped into the inventor of Oxo stock cubes last weekend. He is a bit stocky

Marathon

I was watching a marathon the other day ,I saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another dressed as an egg. I thought this could be interesting

Paper clip

Apparently the paper clip was never patened. I can't help thinking that some of the pages in the agreement went missing

Cheese

I bought some Armageddon cheese this morning. It's sell by date was interesting it said on the packet 'Best before end'

Gluttony

There is nothing wrong with gluttony ... as long as you don't overdo it

Book

Read a great book the other day. I couldn't take my hands off it. It was called 'The History of Glue'

Impotence

Read in a newspaper report that impotence was on the rise. Really?

Egotists

Delivered a sales training course this week and discovered one good thing about egotists. They don't talk about other people

Pyschic

I almost got married to a psychic but she left me before we met

Subliminal

Had a brilliant meeting with a director from a subliminal advertising company yesterday - but it only lasted for a second

Nostalgia

It’s a New Year and time to reflect on the last 12 months. Which got me thinking - nostalgia isn’t what it used to be

Procrastination

I have been sent to jail for procrastinating. I'll finish my sentence next month

Calculation

Just watched my son take apart his calculator ............he said its what's inside that counts

Argument

After I have had a argument with my wife I sometimes hold a hoover over my head. It helps clear the air

Drums

Man walks into a drum set. Bu dum dum chhh (the old ones are the best!) 

Good Advice?

A great hospital sign!

Thanks to Frank Bell for this classic NHS sign

Classic Tommy Cooper

A man entered a newspapers pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

Constipation

98% of all constipated people don't give a crap

Flexibility

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. The man said "How flexible are you?" I said "I can't do Mondays or Fridays"

Alcohol 

Scientists announced that they have found the gene for alcoholism. They say they found it at a party talking way too loudly

Teachers 

A lot of P.E. Teachers are under qualified. According to one whistle blower.
 

Breakfast 

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance

Rambling 

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on